Unknown Speaker 0:03
Welcome, as always, I am so thrilled that you are here. And I feel really honored to share with you my next guest. Her story is one that is, in some ways very painful to hear, and in other ways, quite liberating, and her power and her healing and where she's at now is quite inspiring. So I am thrilled to share this interview with you. And before we dive in, make sure and go and check out my latest offerings with the 13 week leaving religion course that's coming up November 9, as well as our heart opening retreat that starts October 21. I think I got the date, right. I may be wrong on the date. But October, there's a few spots left in that retreat. And both of these experiences are ones that if you are looking for something more in your life to assist you in your transition and your movement forward in really leaning into and stepping into all that you are, I highly recommend you go check out both of these things. And just a plug Audrey for a minute. She has a beautiful coach, breath work. She does all sorts of things that you'll hear later on in her story. If you want to find her, go to the breathing co.com and you can find her on social media as well. Also go find like and subscribe to this podcast and leave a review and share this with people that you feel like this would resonate with. And without further ado, let's dive into the conversation. Well, today I am sitting down with a very very old friend and we we were friends but not really friends. So right like
Unknown Speaker 1:45
acquaintance friends with the one person removed scenario always playing out.
Unknown Speaker 1:53
That's so fascinating. I'm sitting down with Audrey O'Brian. And you and I kind of reconnected over social media, which thank God for social media. And there's some really beautiful things that do come out of Yeah, there's some not so great things
Unknown Speaker 2:05
that this is. Yeah, one of the beautiful. They're both beautiful. They're not so great. Things are beautiful, too, if you understand how to hold them, sit with them and allow that to alchemize you right. And in that way, because dark art is still art.
Unknown Speaker 2:20
Mm hmm. I agree with that. Yeah, just said that. Yeah. But yeah, it's been fun to to reconnect and then to be sitting across from each other. And it's been 20 years.
Unknown Speaker 2:30
Oh, probably more. I don't think I I don't think I've really seen you since like junior high?
Unknown Speaker 2:36
Probably not. That is so crazy. So Wow, the lifetimes we've lived in here circling back around. One you shared that. It's like all these people one degree of separation that I have. Wow. just crazy. It is crazy. But thank you for saying yes to this and for leaning in. And what I'm really, really looking forward to is hearing your story because I do not know it. I know the work you do now that's quite beautiful. And I see what you're doing on social media and you're a coach and facilitator and we'll get into that later. But yeah, I'm really I'm really excited to hear your story. So did you. Obviously you were born and raised in Utah, right?
Unknown Speaker 3:16
Yeah. Yeah. For I go there that would just thank you. Like the the space you hold is is felt warm, though, like a womb? Right. And that's the only way I would have stepped in. Well, thank you for sharing that. I appreciate. So I want to reflect that first. But yeah, so I was born. In bountiful, you'd have but I actually think this story just like one little, little detail a little background on my grandparents. My mother came from a very, very, very Mormon family. My grandfather was a bishop for like 30 years or I don't know some astronomical amount of time right in Lindon. Hmm,
Unknown Speaker 3:58
that is a weird time to be a bishop For how long?
Unknown Speaker 4:01
Ah, like, I just remember people talking about it being long. I don't remember a specific number, but just like it always seemed like it was something what it was like a bragging thing in the family. Like, because he was so worthy. He was a bishop. Yeah. Like it was a thing. And so I don't know an exact number. But that's like my recollection. Yeah. Right. And she was the youngest and a lot younger. So stuff around that for sure. So that's the family she came from. My father came from a Mormon family, BYU, Professor grandfather active while he was growing up, but kind of progressive especially for their time. My grandmother was a feminist who ended up gaining a lot of notoriety about like, Her calling out the patriarchy. Oh, wow. And back then that Yeah, like newspaper, newspaper article media covered it she's been an she's a published author on this subject. Like, there was some stuff around that right but also just parents who didn't live a more Orthodox Mormon life. And so to humans who come from Mormon families, but very, very, very different Mormon families get married. So I was I, when I was born, my grandmother actually left the church the year I was born, like, formally left, I think she'd really left it for, you know, long prior, but a formal sort of like I'm done. And I will say it out loud. So, she leaves the year that I'm born, and my parents don't stay together very long after that. I don't know very much about their relationship about my conception or anything around my pregnant pregnancy, or their divorce, even though I do know, it's always circulated around sexuality because my dad decided he was gay.
Unknown Speaker 6:24
Oh, interesting. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 6:27
So my, my existence as it is integrated into Mormon religion, from two Mormon families is deeply symbolic. So symbolic, so my emancipation because they're so intertwined. Around the subject of sexuality within the church, and within these frameworks, these families and my parents feel unresolved feelings about all of that their inability to really address their own stuff has been so much of my work, it's been an amount of patience. Yeah. And what's beautiful about seeing as that kind of amounts of patient is that it's just a way to, you know, create heaven and spirituality, right. It's a way to have exactly what everyone says that they want.
Unknown Speaker 7:32
Really embodying it. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 7:34
and the reason people don't embody it is because of the loss that you so eloquently talk about in the title of your show, like leaving religion and those you live behind. It's been such an amount of patient process, because from the beginning, I was this symbol of stuff, but then, like, really shoved into these spaces of Mormonism, that were really damaging for me. And so it's like, you got to transmute a lot of that anger, right? to emancipate like, you know, I suppose that like, leaving was part of that. But I wanted to be in a place that was compassionate and, and was grounded in what I actually believe. sources. Yeah. In love.
Unknown Speaker 8:28
How old were you when you left?
Unknown Speaker 8:32
Um, well, like formally, it's only been a few. I feel like this really demarcation line of when amounts of patient was like, Oh, that's what's happening. And it's on now, like, I moved through a portal was almost six years ago.
Unknown Speaker 8:48
What was the catalyst for you going? Oh, it's on?
Unknown Speaker 8:51
Yeah, a series of really like, painful events in my life and my marriage mostly, but also in my relationship with my family. My husband and I owned a business with my mother and stepfather. And we were also going through some stuff and there was just but I was really going through some stuff. And there was this one particular Christmas where I hadn't met my quota. Really met my quota about six years ago, and I didn't feel seen by anyone. I didn't feel like my existence mattered. And it was a pretty dark space that I was in. And I left on Christmas Eve, and all six of my kids were home and my husband and we had family coming over and I left like I just left I like, grabbed keys and left. I was in grubby clothes. I was cleaning our house and I like left in the middle of cleaning her house. I didn't hear from anyone. And it was Christmas Eve, right? That'll like do some work. Because, you know, if I went through a period of time where I made that mean that they didn't care about me, but I think more of it was that they didn't know what to do with me. Right? My husband didn't know how to be my lover and I didn't know how to be his. Right. So like, I have to go, okay, it's easy to do that projected, like, this person did this to me. But then it's like, wait, no, like, how is that a mirror? Like I say all of this knowing my contribution, right? But and that's
Unknown Speaker 10:44
because you're in a healed state. Now. I'm sure in that moment, I had to feel really dark and hard and fall.
Unknown Speaker 10:51
Yeah. And it was, it was a moment of fracture, and I spiraled, like I spiraled from that space into, you know, things i i in a different vibe, even just slightly different vibration would have never considered. And that fractured, more open. Right. And I was weird, because even as I was doing those things, there was a component of me that understood the necessity of it. And like, I have to take ownership of that, right. It's not like I did that with any kind of consciousness or awareness. I don't mean to imply that. But like the energy that what we're asking to achieve, when we don't understand all the ways that that can happen, and we're unprepared, right? Yeah. And we're fractured, open. And we're saying Show me.
Unknown Speaker 11:52
Yeah. So when you were going through that process, though, of being fractured, open of not feeling seen? How did that for you tie into, like being a catalyst in the portal, as you spoke to stepping out of religion?
Unknown Speaker 12:07
Yeah, well, because it felt like that real emancipation process from an old version of myself that was just not at all who I wanted to be, it didn't feel anything like me, and figuring out what that was, and then that led to, you know, the two great changes my husband was so many changes happened in a short period of time, right? So we're making all these realizations about my parents, and we're in the midst of a crisis in our marriage. And we're going to therapy and so our thought, like we're doing work, and people are like, you got to look at these aspects of your childhood, right? And the things that occurred in your relationship to your parents and your wounds, not because to blame anyone that because you have to look. And in that looking process, there were all of these boundaries that started to come into place. And all the boundaries that we had, with my family kind of parallel these boundaries we needed with the church.
Unknown Speaker 13:18
When a lot of the safety, right, they say our safety and the boundaries that we do or do not have are formed between ages of one to seven. Yeah. So yeah,
Unknown Speaker 13:28
I'm not marinated in, I believe, quite complex feelings, that to me, it feels like in all of my work that I can track it down and have authenticated that to like womb space. Yeah. Right. My mom was not well, I don't think my mom is well to this day, unfortunately. Right. So like, that's hard to accept. And it's hard to accept how I've contributed to that, and any, you know, way, but I'm, I'm this symbol for them.
Unknown Speaker 14:03
I think that, you know, for those that are listening, though, the idea of trauma and the womb space, doesn't get talked about a whole lot until you go through it. Yeah, for me. My brother died when my mom was pregnant with me and had two other deaths when she was pregnant was so totally attracts to the womb space. Yeah. And so the reason I think it's beautiful that this is coming up, because and you're going to continue talking about Yeah, sure. But the epigenetics and some of the DNA that does happen, that there's a lot of us that feel like we're we don't may or not, you may not realize this yet, but if you're stepping out a religion, more than likely, you're actually being called to go break the pattern of the family system. Yeah. And some of the trauma you know, going back to the womb state space starts there.
Unknown Speaker 14:49
Well, and it's a, again, looking at my the choice to embody that knowing like I think I wrote on my Instagram a few weeks back about how How the placenta seems like like the shooting star, right? It comes to life rapidly and it fades relatively fast. If you look at the grand scheme of time. It's so powerful. It's so like, think about how powerful a shooting stars how special a shooting star is. And that like, that feels like a vehicle to me. Yeah. And that was the sort of soup and nourishment that particular placenta, which happened to be one that was dying. Like I literally what I do know about my birth is that my mom's placenta no longer worked, and I was quite unhealthy. Our Yeah. I mean, I had to have known that I wanted to co create art out of the human experience through those art mediums. And so this isn't in any way shape or form About My Mom, you know, it creates a really serious complexity in that relationship. Yeah. And for me, has meant the loss of I'm totally in all transparency and transparency have spoken to none of my parents for over five years. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 16:26
This when I was first leaving Mormonism, and I sat with an energy healer, and I was actually going through a divorce and feeling really blown automatized by it, and really mad at him and what he was choosing to do, and because I was having an awakening of what I chosen to Yeah. And she, and she said to me, let's say because I was actually so Mormon. And so the idea of past lives, that idea of choice of what you're talking to was to me, and so I want to bring this up for anyone that this is new to you. Yeah. She said, Mandy, let's say for I used to go by Mandy, let's say for a minute that you believe we are past lifetimes. So I'll say this to you, Audrey. Yeah, let's say that you believe we have past lifetimes. And let's say that in each lifetime, the reason why we choose in is for growth, for expansion for all sorts of expansion. This right? Yes, why we go in? And let's say we travel and soul families. And in every time you choose to incarnate you want to choose, go through an experience, what your experiences in this life, because only through those experiences, would you grow and cultivate the gifts that you currently possessed? Right? And only through those experiences, would that happen? So let's say that's true, you turn to these people in your soul, the souls in your soul family and say, Hey, will you be my mom and dad will be my mom and this and that soul says, okay, and you go down, you go in through and have this experience experience? Yeah. When you have a possibility of that in your in your that, just try that on. If this is a new concept for anybody that's listening, try that on that there's a possibility that you did choose into everything you've experienced in this life?
Unknown Speaker 18:13
Well think of it like are and like literally choosing, you know, if you're at the art store, there's so many options of what you could create and mediums of color and you know, like canvases and all sorts of things like, this is just one big art project.
Unknown Speaker 18:33
Well, the irony, too, is, you know, on some level, whether you still believe in some of the scriptural texts or not, we chose a free agency, what's to say that you didn't choose exactly everything you were going to experience in this life?
Unknown Speaker 18:47
Well, you can't you can't possibly Well, I I'd actually say you can't know it. I would say that
Unknown Speaker 18:53
experience. Yeah, I have. I mean, that's I guide clients all the time to going back to that original soul race point,
Unknown Speaker 18:58
right. But you have to have the courage to look at it. And I think that's a big step in the process of leaving religion and moving through loss, like the grit that this requires. And that is the one characteristic that's been super present in me and I always and the grip. Yeah. And our childhood, our childhood developed that. Undoubtedly, we both had really, really hard childhoods
Unknown Speaker 19:31
and you've grown grit from it. Yeah. So many other things.
Unknown Speaker 19:34
Yeah. Yeah. And that grit is what's tethered us. Right.
Unknown Speaker 19:44
So as a child growing up Mormon Did you have siblings?
Unknown Speaker 19:48
So after this divorce of my parents, my mom is single for a couple of years. There also. There's so much secrecy and Though this period of time, I don't even have any, like, there's not even a lot of storytelling to go off of it's very secret in all extended family and everyone there's like this bizarre, tight lipped energy that has been fascinating. And the way that I've been met with questions has been fascinating. met with questions met with questions like whether that's with my parents, or my grandparents, or aunts and uncles, or just my witness and observation of their behaviors is as going to really informing and revealing, right, but it doesn't reveal. It doesn't answer the question. It does. But it doesn't at the same time, right. And so mom, and mom gets remarried to a man who has five kids. And so I had five step siblings and
Unknown Speaker 20:52
and how, how old were you?
Unknown Speaker 20:53
I think three or four. But again, like No, I mean, people can't even tell me I guess I could find out their their date of marriage. And but I have not needed to do that. Right. So it was three or four. My dad had moved to California. And you know, you I guess you could say that you can take the the more the boy out of the Mormon, but not not the Mormon out of the boy, because lifestyle was so important to him. And I actually really feel that Mormons like lifestyle and the way that their lives look is something they place a lot of value in. And he continued to place a lot of value in that he just took that infrastructure and applied it to having a gay lifestyle in the late 70s and early 80s. And that didn't at that time include children, like in fact, it was sort of this invalidating, like, if you're gay, you don't have a kid, right. And so I was always this thing that he kept hidden. He worked very, very hard to keep me hidden, and spent maybe twice a year, for a week surrounded by his family. With me, I would say it was like a Disneyland dad, like, it felt like a vacation. I just like went on vacation with this guy and his family, who I had complex feeling I was miserable. Like, I actually do a lot of father wound work with a sculpture that was given to me by one of his partners. And it's like a, what looks to be, you know, maybe a four or five year old girl sitting on a meditation pillow, which I find really interesting. He was an artist you and I was chilling at his house while I was supposed to be on visitation with my dad. And he did the sculpture of me and I am like curled over holding my Webby that went everywhere with me for eight years like you can feel the pain of this little girl in this sculpture. And that's been the symbol that's held a lot of my father wound work and is symbolic of I was not well when I was with him. When I got older, you know, the fun stuff became more fun, and I can lean in, but I didn't really know my father. So I lived with my mom and my stepfather, his kids were with their mom that would sometimes be around on the weekends. But I didn't was not raised in the same home as them about when I'm about six years old, my mom and my stepdad have a child. And he was always this massive trigger in the familial chemistry, so to speak. Because I was literally like the devil's child, the complexity of what I represented for not just my parents, but there were parents, and the extended family and how each of those people handled that and handled me and like it just was so bizarre. And
Unknown Speaker 24:07
it's almost like they're projecting all their insecurities, yeah, years or whatever on to
Unknown Speaker 24:12
I grew up holding the responsibility for how everyone what I thought was how everyone was feeling because I was only experiencing them in their feelings as they were connecting with me. So I understand that these people are not all good. They're not all bad. They're not that there are many different things to many different people. But to me, all of these people are assholes. Yeah, like to me. I'm the Khan in constant barrage of really difficult energy protection. And so that's the kind of environment I grow up in. Right, my stepfather, who really I don't actually remember them getting married, I have no recollection of it, like none whatsoever. When I look at their wedding photos, or put of our family at the around the time that they got together. It doesn't even look like my family. It's really, really interesting. But he comes from even though he had been married and divorced and there was some sexual scandal of a different nature that was there in that story. It's probably what they bonded over they my mom and my biological father and my mom and my stepfather, this trio of humans are also incredibly wounded. And in so much pain, and so my lot of trauma bond Yes, like just so many trauma bonds are present so much pain and but he comes from step dad comes from this like Mormon stock company. They're like from Idaho, and one of the most like, prestigious Mormon names that isn't associated directly with a general authority, like, this is a well known Mormon name. And so like my I move in next door to my grandparents, so this is the grandfather, the father of this family, essentially, at this time, who's inherited like, the ancestor is, like, filled with polygamy they're proud of. Hmm. Interesting. It's fascinating. And the men have a very specific vibe about them. And so surprising
Unknown Speaker 26:27
that he had some sexual scandal that was a little different. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 26:31
Well, then fast forward to I'm 13 years old, and I'm sexually abused by his brother, my step uncle. And I want to believe and I and I do a big part of me does believe they did the best that they could with that, as a family, like speaking to my parents, all three of them and their extended families. They did report it, there were files charged again. Yeah, so they did try to deal with it. But the two things that ended up being really problematic for me, were that they withheld access to support, I knew that I needed support, I asked for it. They took me once and then basically said, you can never go back to like, we're not gonna take you back to therapy. This, we're not doing this.
Unknown Speaker 27:23
And you don't know why. I don't that's so interesting. I don't know
Unknown Speaker 27:27
why. So there's that piece. And there was also that, while they were dealing with what had happened legally, from a legal standpoint, appropriately, they were also taking me into my Bishop's office to repent. You had to repent. Yeah. And that that was necessary. And they wanted me meeting with him. And I don't know, I don't know what he felt about that at that time. But they wanted me meeting with him for like three to six months weekly.
Unknown Speaker 28:01
Do you remember much of that? Yeah. Going through that? Yeah. How traumatic was that had to be like, you already went through this trauma. And now you're, I mean, talking about shame.
Unknown Speaker 28:11
Yeah. And I spiraled from there, like spiraled? Yeah. So sexually, that all starts playing out. Like, I don't have support. I'm being shamed for what happened privately. My mom's even suggesting that it was my fault now, in her conversations with me.
Unknown Speaker 28:34
I mean, that would be implied already right? Now telling you that you have to go and repent for this sin that you committed. It's like, wait a minute, I didn't Yeah, I didn't say yes to that.
Unknown Speaker 28:44
Yeah. And just also thinking that any other similar type behavior that might have been going on consensually with like, boys my age, right, that this was just that me that I was that I was troubled, and I must, you know, be, you know, really, truly some kind of slot or something. Right? That I'm like, now this problem, but I've been that problem always. So I'm pretty good at this point. I
Unknown Speaker 29:14
laugh but I'm like, I'm laughing because it's such a painful like recognition to you know, you came into this world as the problem child. There's some aspects anyway, we could sidebar and have another conversation around that. Yeah. I think a lot of us that are ended up being black sheep or whatever you want to call it. Yeah. Have that aspect in the family system of not being a part of the tribe? Yeah, feeling like we're kicked out.
Unknown Speaker 29:38
Yeah. Having broken tribal law, and we all have that system. We all come from that system. And I for sure was breaking tribal laws stepping out of line affecting the way things looked for primarily my stepfather's family and my mother's family, but primarily honestly primarily my stepfather's family And how like I had to spend time with that uncle like, everyone just pretty much pretended like nothing happened well, so they filed charges, but like there's some stuff, right? Yeah, it was it was hard. It was painful. And so I spiraled sexually and eventually I get pregnant. And their response to that shifted everything for me. How did they respond? So they gave me an ultimatum when I told them in the conversation that I'm like, shaking, I'm throwing I threw up on the way in the house to talk to them. I'm terrified. It's, it's a thing, right? And they were like, Okay, well, you have two options. And you have to make a decision right now. And it was a spirit, it was commitment to adoption process or leave the home. Do you mind me
Unknown Speaker 31:04
asking how old you were? I was 16. Geez. And you had to make that decision right then?
Unknown Speaker 31:09
Yeah. And I already knew I didn't want to live there. I had that that been three years of just like, I don't know what to say to these people. Like, I could feel how they all felt about me. My dad is still only there, like, twice a year. Our relationship just is beginning to feel shallow for me. Like I I'm aware at that age, like I don't actually really know who this guy is. Right? Yeah. Like finding out things like actually, like, I know him by his middle name, but everyone else calls like people outside of the family call him his by his first given name. And like, not even knowing that he you know, like, I didn't know him. Yeah, I would meet on occasion, like, oddly meet an employee, and they would say didn't know that he even had a kid. Like, I wasn't part of his lifestyle.
Unknown Speaker 32:07
So you were displaced from a very
Unknown Speaker 32:08
Yeah, and abandoned and, and so I had stepdad and dad and mom and I'm pregnant. And they told me that I have to leave and so I start making I start packing stuff up to leave. And they tell me the car I'm driving I can't take but that they'll give me money. They like paid me to leave. Like sorry for this shitty circumstance that you've gotten yourself into. If we throw some money at you. Maybe we'll feel a little bit better about what we're doing. Right. And I think they did feel like that was the way they could support me and I was grateful for the support but it also felt like dirty money No kidding. Like dirty money. Yeah. So the boyfriend is significantly older has done gel stents like the kind of guy they're pushing me toward is gross. Like really, really gross, not who'd want for your child? No. And they knew that they knew that and so he's like, seeing dollar signs and buys a vehicle and like rents an apartment and get some furniture and like we move in and the first night we stay there I have a miscarriage. Oh man. And I know because I'm like hemorrhaging and bleeding and I know that's what's happening. So I you know, like we talked about it within the relationship but we don't like really tell people and I don't see a need to even say anything. I wasn't going to go back. I didn't know what I was going to do. But I wasn't going to go back and I didn't necessarily want to be in trapped with this guy either. So is that a no win situation? Ram
Unknown Speaker 33:57
no can Anna young age so young.
Unknown Speaker 34:01
So a month and a half later, things get really volatile and violent. And so I call my dad I like walk to a gas station, called my dad on a payphone like a collect call because this is like the 90 right?
Unknown Speaker 34:19
I remember those. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 34:22
And, you know, beg to come there. I was like, I have to leave I don't have anywhere to go. And she agreed but with a tone of apprehension. Like it wasn't there. He was hesitant about it. So um, I get I bound in a lot of stuff. And I asked people if they'll come and get it basically, and I get on a plane and I fly to California to stay with my dad and his partner. And I'm not there very long like three months and not because of poor behavior and quotations because no one really wants to talk about the behavior of the parents, when the teenager teenager is spiraling in a Mormon community, especially during that time, like, it's still problematic today, but especially during that time, and what ended up happening was, I was such a good kid in California, I was like the kid that probably my Mormon pet parents wanted. I could relax though, right? And then, um, my dad kicks me out, because it just doesn't fit into his partnership that he's in. So I'm sent back home to the religious parents that are like, okay, so there's no baby. But like, now you're, you're in with the bishop, like all of the time. And at that point in time, I knew that I just needed to, like, buckle down and find my way out. And I was nerdy kind of smart, like, academia was stupid, kind of easy for me. So I've missed most of my sophomore year, I walk in to the school and register as a senior because I have enough credits because I had like, over, done some things. And I'm just buckled down. And I end up graduating that year. So as what would have been my junior year, but was my senior year. So I can like, get on my amounts of hate my assault. Yeah, right. And so then I meet my husband on a blind day, like, just not very long after sort of getting on my own and into school and things like that. And enter into a Mormon marriage, which is a whole nother subject. I don't know what our time
Unknown Speaker 36:52
we're totally fine. I think your story is, yeah, I think it's, your story is fascinating and powerful. And so heart wrenching, and what I think is beautiful. And I was as you're talking you, you're How do I phrase this, your ability to now be where you're at? Which is why I think yes, please continue your story is quite empowering, especially for anyone listening, who because most people feel so lost, and don't know where to go. And depending on their circumstances, some are pretty bleak. Like with what you're sharing, yeah. And the ability that you've had to empower yourself in what how I showed up in this and what my responsibility was in this piece is very powerful. And I think that it does need to be spoken to and shared.
Unknown Speaker 37:42
was appreciated. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for saying that, for reflecting that. That's so beautiful.
Unknown Speaker 37:49
And I had no idea. You know, it's like we kind of Yeah, now, each other's spaces. But you know, this is one of those things. That, you know, I think at a young age, I, you were the pretty girl.
Unknown Speaker 38:01
And it's so weird that anyone would have experienced I remember that. And
Unknown Speaker 38:05
I and I struggled with you. And you know, as we're kids, right?
Unknown Speaker 38:08
Yeah. I've never like what my the level of attractiveness that I believe I possess is something I have to do a lot of continual work around, like, I don't perceive myself as anyone that you would consider attractive. Oh, my goodness, I and so we know that and I receive that knowing that. Like, that's a reflection like anything that I think someone writings about what I look like, is just me reflecting on me. Yeah. You have a problem with you. And that comes from my parents problem with me. Yeah, right.
Unknown Speaker 38:48
One never feeling like you fit in anywhere. Yeah, I never received any I was very alone, when I think you shared the very beginning that I think is important piece to add in. And I hope you don't mind me sharing, but just the fact that your dad named you.
Unknown Speaker 39:01
Yes, yes. So my mother and father claim the story that they kind of both authenticate with both have told their version of that seems true, is that my mother's very dark and olive skinned that if I looked like her, she got to know me. And if I didn't, then my father got to know me. And so my father got to know me, but they didn't realize there's like a biological reason that babies look like their fathers so that the Fathers will claim them like, but I think their marriage was already in a disillusioned state of being and
Unknown Speaker 39:41
but this is partly why you refer to yourself as Satan's child, just like the devil the devil, because they can you think of any greater sin in the church than homosexuality. Right. And your dad was the one who named you so yeah, it's part of why you carried that along with all of these other Oh,
Unknown Speaker 39:58
I was Yeah. I I was the family I carried for the whole family to a degree the pain around that event that no one will talk about. So
Unknown Speaker 40:07
you had no siblings, like, you know, I have no civil I am you're still
Unknown Speaker 40:11
I have five step siblings and one half brother.
Unknown Speaker 40:14
Yeah. So you were the only child from Yeah. And
Unknown Speaker 40:18
like to give you to illustrate where that's that, like, I don't talk to any of them. And it's not because I haven't tried.
Unknown Speaker 40:26
Yeah, like, you can only meet people where they are. Yeah. And if they're not in a space, yeah, not. And that's me. Maybe we could dive into that later. But I do. So you go into the Mormon marriage. Want to jump back into your story?
Unknown Speaker 40:40
Yeah. So I actually saw I always say that it was a blind date for him, but not me. Because I knew that I was going to marry him six years prior to meeting him really, totally cosmic. And so I saw him playing soccer on a soccer field. He was he's, he's four, almost five years older than me. And so like, we weren't the same age. But my little brother was playing on an adjacent field. That's why I was there. And there was something so relevant about him. And I didn't know who he was. But one of the other girls that was kind of sitting in our little gaggle of giggling children. She knew who he was. And so she told me, and I understood its relevancy from that moment and tell the individual who was setting us up on a blind date said his name. And that's the only reason I went I wasn't interested in the blind date at all. I was dating like four or five different people at the time. I'm like, a good rotation here. Go, right. Yeah. I picked I picked a few guys off. And I don't know if that wasn't, you know, maybe it was an attractiveness thing, I have no idea. My husband would say that, like, he's very good at being like, you are just the most beautiful human being, like, very consistently, he's such a king. So um, he come He came from his own stuff, like he he has his own story is very, very different from mine. But he has his own story that's kind of unresolved single mom, who had been married quite a few times, and just some abandonment stuff and his own stuff. And I think that's why we like polarized a bit. But there's also this cosmic quality. So when I went on the blind day, we both knew during the blind date, like undoubtedly, and it didn't feel like we should waste any time. It took us about three weeks to have the conversation that we both knew. And I started that conversation, and he authenticated what I was feeling. And it was like, such an easy thing to run towards one another to escape to strengthen our circumstances of trying to emancipate ourselves from our families. He had been on a mission though, oh, so he was a returned missionary, but had come from kind of these alternative Mormon but alternative type situation. And we sort of go into a pretty typical routine Mormon married couple and we start baby making way before we're qualified.
Unknown Speaker 43:25
What would in your context, what would what would consider you being qualified? Well, I
Unknown Speaker 43:29
would tell you that I still, and I still feel unqualified, but like, I maybe even more so feel unqualified, because when I when you understand the responsibility, it's derivative when you're a cycle breaker, and a transitional character, and you're breaking epigenetic and ancestral lines of pain. You see the damage and the cost and the hue, what it does to humanity up close, and is like, I don't ever want to be a contributor of that. And so if the way that I, you know, I just feel unqualified to have children because you inevitably are a contributor to that, like,
Unknown Speaker 44:11
unless you go break it, right. But like,
Unknown Speaker 44:14
my kids have wounds too, right. And so, from a more awakened state, I have a real awareness of how unqualified I was and am a more qualified now than I've ever been. But like, I know how far I've come at the same time. Like, we were totally irresponsible. papermakers I think that most of us are, I think I think that's so young,
Unknown Speaker 44:40
and you don't know you don't know. I don't know. Yeah, you do. Yeah. And maybe there's a reason why, you know, one day will really understand it, but because because through pain is our ultimate growth, for sure through trauma is you have to be
Unknown Speaker 44:55
uncomfortable. You cannot grow you don't evolve without discomfort. It's right necessary ingredient.
Unknown Speaker 45:01
Yes. So then would you not choose into a family system? We're certain, you know,
Unknown Speaker 45:06
that which speaks right back to the point that this is all like, you know, just part of a process of something, some sort of design. It's more divinely held. Right. Right. Yeah. You know, and so we have a kind of, you know, decent marriage, we there's some volatility in it, we neither of us really have a great example of what healthy family relationships look like, when you
Unknown Speaker 45:29
guys were young. We're very young. Yeah. Married, which is quite Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 45:33
we are, we are still married. So we're 24 years in, at this point. He's a incredible human being, but eventually, like, our sort of lifestyle of buying into illusion, right, of trying to bury our past and pretend that were like, more put together and we're different people and that we're, we are like, completely, you know, compliant and following the model. And
Unknown Speaker 46:03
so you guys were living the Mormon? Yeah. So you were buying in?
Unknown Speaker 46:07
Do I never for my husband. I mean, this is the church saved him and his family. So his experience is different than mine. Right? So his his process of faith crisis is much different than mine. But um, he's never been like, real strict about it in any way. And I've always had this one foot in and one foot out, I've had to that's been part of my desire. Yeah, right. And I always have really, I don't know if I'll still a Mormon term and say, murmured about the culture and the behavioral science that I could so easily see within the church that I found disturbing. So but I was still like, those were privately held conversations like to the external world, I was like, maybe not district Mormon, but like someone who was active you were in Yeah, like we were in and, and participating in those things. And so when we'd been married about 15, or 16 years, there's this series of collapses that occurs in our connection. And I think we just met this state where it's like, we could no longer not address our stuff. So it starts showing up. And triggering, we were in trigger cycles and playing out dirty things with one another, just like, you know, really not good things that we have done to each other, and struggling and asking for help from both family and church sources and not getting it, right. Because we don't really want to address that we have a real problem here and teaching people how to be families to be in relationship with one another. And we were under supported under educated, you know, just under all of the things and had, we're overwhelmed, we add a bunch of kids. And
Unknown Speaker 48:02
so you have six kids,
Unknown Speaker 48:04
we have six kids, so the oldest is adopted. And like, maybe if I had had that baby, when really I would have had to have been like 15 to have birth, Tim. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah. And we adopted him as a teenager. Really? Wow. And it I shouldn't I don't love the term adopted, because we didn't formally adopted him. It felt like a grafting in that occur. And like, it's there's nothing formal about it legally speaking. Yeah. But like, he calls us mom and dad, he's and all of our family pictures like he was your family. Yeah, he's our family. But um, and then five biological kids that range in age from 22 to seven.
Unknown Speaker 48:50
That's a long, that's a big age rage. Yeah, age range, too.
Unknown Speaker 48:53
So yeah, we irresponsibly made babies over a long period of time. Yeah. But at our fracture, open point, when we started to see some things, a couple of interesting things happened. One is that because we shared a business relationship with my mom and my stepfather, at that point, who we had a relationship with, we were we were following a model that they could claim,
Unknown Speaker 49:19
right? You guys were doing the all the good one. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 49:22
And there were parts of our early marriage in our story, especially around a daughter that was born with special needs, that served them and notoriety. And so there was reward for that for a long period of time. So we're in this business relationship with them and our marriage is kind of unraveling. So the integration into the business of that rebuild some things and I'm also hankering for a mom. Yeah, I'm also like wanting from when I'm suffering the most when I'm inside the deep, dark space. Having just feeling like I have no value, whether that's true or not, right? It's not true. But you know, feeling like that and reaching her, her and me sharing with her triggering her into an entirely. It's not that she immediately transformed into a different person. But I saw her differently from that moment on. And some of the behaviors and our interactions and our relationship that preceded that period of time. Were really alarming. For me,
Unknown Speaker 50:40
would you say that, with these things that were starting to happen that I'm going to use the word veil, the veil was starting to come off your eyes. So then you were able to see things a little bit more clearly of what was actually going on?
Unknown Speaker 50:52
Yes. And I was setting boundaries, because I recognize, oh, here's what's actually happening. And here's what boundary I need to continue to engage in this relationship. And we would never get to a point where we could even talk about the actual problem, because we spent so much time fighting over the boundaries themselves and their resistance to those boundaries. And there was bizarre patriarchal behavior on my stepfather's heart that was like, so disgusting and gross. And my husband was witnessing that and experiencing, they almost got in a fistfight at work one day, wow. And it's just, it just was so volatile. And so my husband and I step away from, we're at this point, we're already fractured, open and in therapy and choosing to, that we can't deny that we actually do want to be together, that that's always been there, even inside of our behaviors, like we don't want to be apart, right? We're very devoted to one another, even when we're messy, we're very, very devoted to one another. And so we're working our stuff out, but we decided we're going to leave the business and start to set these boundaries with my family, which, in a short period of time, it's really not crazy short, I'd say about 18 months of setting boundaries with them. But until we just said, like, you know, contact you, we don't want any kind of relationship at all with with you. And simultaneously, there's this amount of patient from my biological father as well, when he reveals to me that he wasn't what I didn't want to visit, spend time with me, because for his current partner, my existence was triggering that he wasn't going to lose another partner because of me. And I, that was very Val lifting as well, like, Oh, this is what I've always known about my relationship with my dad that he never made a claim like, well, what are you talking about? Like, well, when you were here as a teenager, like these time periods are so linked of, and the resolution of everything that happened when I was 16 was actually happening almost exactly 20 years later. Wow. And so he's saying, Yeah, I mean, I choose my partner, that ends our relationship, because he makes a single bit of effort from that day on, like, doesn't really want to step into having this conversation. Yeah, right.
Unknown Speaker 53:36
It's, it's all this just out of curiosity. Was it back in 2012? when this started unraveling,
Unknown Speaker 53:41
that was a really pivotal year, but no, this is like 15 or 18 ish, because Tom was a catalyst here for a lot. Yeah. So. So I just was curious a little bit later than that. And so we are ending our relationship with my family and dissolving the business and stepping away from the business. We're not going to change it. We're not going to have like that income we've had we decide that financially, it would be smart to sell our home, which was a fairly large home, and almost everything we owned, and we moved into a bus you did with six kids. Wow. And no modern utilities, no running water and outhouse. The bus was broken down. So it was stable, like you didn't drive around, as you were, it was parked on five acres of land that we own that my husband had inherited from his grandfather actually, and has a little bit of a cinderblock cabin built around it. So the buses inside
Unknown Speaker 54:48
you're telling this story.
Unknown Speaker 54:50
And it's roughly like 600 square feet. So we move into this bus with six kids. Wow. To work ourselves. out and start meditating every day on our land. And we're living very rural at that point. And just we're doing a lot of work on ourselves for those nine months, kind of just dealing with a lot during that time and, and the evolution of our, from that space, from really the space that of the fracture, like a real true fracturing open, open of our relationship, like it felt like it was dead. We've only healed from that moment in our relationship with each other and with our children. Yeah, it's, it's really, really beautiful at this point, like, I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. But that also triggered that formal emancipation from my parents, and coincided this emancipation from the church because it was so integrated into that. And it was, the systems were so identical as I experienced them, I had always been, you know, like, the thing that people whispered are dad's gay, like, you know, and knew, like, there was just stuff around who I represent, right? For both systems. So I leave for cultural reasons, which then bled and I'm a researcher, I love research. One of the beautiful things my mother gave me was, she was a librarian. And she always had a lot of books, you could always find me, Nate used to when we were early in our marriage, he would say you were like, bow, like your nose was always in a book. And it was I love, I love to read and love learning. And so I decided that I was going to take a look at the church. And I didn't skip any subject that I know of, I explored a lot of subjects I wanted to look at for the first time in my life. In the same way, I looked at my parents, and knowing that in looking at this system, that I would learn about my relationship with my parents, and that it was needed to break these cycles, like I needed that information, it was totally done out of not a way to blame them, but the way that love them to understand Yeah, like the very minimal interaction I've had with my mom, and over a text message in the last year has been like, I love you more now than I ever have. And that feels very, very real and true to me, that I love my family more. So I did a lot of research. And just all of that research took me further and further away from the church or from your parents from both. Yeah, it was very simultaneous. So when you talk about like leaving religion, and those we leave behind, I left my entire family of origin behind.
Unknown Speaker 58:04
Well, your whole story is most people's fear. Yeah. Yeah. of why they don't leave because of the people you leave behind. And because of what it could mean, I mean, even to the point of living in a bus. Yeah. On land.
Unknown Speaker 58:19
Yeah, grid, I write the grid like, and from the bus, we moved into 1000 square foot cabin that had some utilities, but like, it was wood burning stove, he had to boil water to do dishes. And we lived there for three and a half, almost four years. We let those spaces work. So we don't have to do that. Yeah, my husband and I both from a financial place are more abundant than we've also ever been in our entire lives. Like we really didn't have to live like that. And we did because it we saw that it was serving
Unknown Speaker 58:57
wellness, simplicity. And there's I mean, just personally, my soul. And we didn't talk about this before we started to a little bit with just what my husband does. We've looked at getting land when I close down this because there is and I was just joking around with friends of mine today. I'm here. Are we ready for our commune yet? You know, just getting out of the complexity of the thing. Yeah. And going into that simplicity. There is something that does call to the soul of
Unknown Speaker 59:23
it's very grounding and down. Yeah, I love that we live really very, very simple lives. You know, as simple as we, I feel like they're still quite complex. But I think if you looked at our lives, you'd be like, Oh, it's simple. In my body. It's not.
Unknown Speaker 59:40
Oh, I believe.
Unknown Speaker 59:44
Man, so and I love that you shared that your husband's experience was different with leaving because that's always you know, go through very yeah experiences, the individuality piece that often gets lost in especially where you guys were married and have been together for so long.
Unknown Speaker 1:00:00
Yeah, his feelings for the church were always my biggest concern. I think I probably would have left long before if I thought that he would stay with me. But I actually didn't believe that in the beginning of our emancipation, right? I'm blogging at this time, but I'm not publicizing that. Let I'm blogging, like, I'm not telling anyone I'm doing this. And it's this blog called finding you Tory, you Tory is like a Japanese. I did that we can find beauty in everything and anything's beautiful, and I loved it. Right. And so one day I published this piece around it definitely It was around sexuality and Mormonism because in 15, a lot of that stuff was going down around like, and I was that kid that the church was saying, like, you wouldn't be able to get baptized, like they were actually verbally saying, and there's something wrong with you. Right? Like,
Unknown Speaker 1:00:57
this was when the church made that oops, yes, this is what prompted me to remove my records by them.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:02
Okay, for so many people. It's that, well, I'm not kid. So I'm super triggered at that time. And for probably a year or two years, I'm writing a lot about that kind of stuff. And just like, I don't even think more than two or three people are reading my blog. Well, somehow, my my parents stumble upon it, even though we're not actually in communication at all at that point in time. But they are with my husband, because there's some business stuff that they're wrapping up, I've blocked them. Yeah. And all of a sudden, my husband gets a text from my mother's stating that, like, I've now become a progressive Mormon, and it is time for him to leave me and that they will support him. Oh, my goodness. And he shows me the text, because, like, we've all again, we're super committed to one another. And I just was like, okay, like, Whoa, yeah, right, you know, and so, um, it's really interesting, but to speak to Nate's work, part of his story, his Mormon story has been learning how to hold space for me to have such a wildly different experience with the church than he has. And that that can be true, too. Right.
Unknown Speaker 1:02:26
And
Unknown Speaker 1:02:28
you know, the things about that bug him about the church and are part of his sort of emancipation from participation in that it have not they're things I can see as problematic, but they're not the things that trigger me. There, his his own thing. And so there's as many paths back to God as there are living things, not just human beings, but living things. That's how, and more than not like math isn't math. So for me, sources, math is numbers. I see. Whatever you believe God to be as math, which is really interesting. Right? And so I know a lot of people who have the same Yeah, like I just I see math and everything. That way, the
Unknown Speaker 1:03:23
Merkava on your wrist. Merkava is a sacred geometry symbol. Yeah. Which means a lot of different it means so many I have a mark up on my back. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, I
Unknown Speaker 1:03:34
think I've seen you post a picture of this. And I was like, Oh,
Unknown Speaker 1:03:38
no. Yeah. So um,
Unknown Speaker 1:03:43
well, math is one of the truest languages, right? Yeah. It's one that in math is in everything. I
Unknown Speaker 1:03:50
mean, it's in our birth speaking to like us choosing a space to come into it's in the date that we're born
Unknown Speaker 1:03:58
on the Fibonacci sequence that shows connected. We're all one. Yeah. The golden mean, you know, there's Yeah, you could probably have a long conversation
Unknown Speaker 1:04:06
because you totally good.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:09
But coming back to where you're at now. Yeah. And you've been through a shit ton in your life. Yeah. And I think it and I so appreciate again, you sharing your story, because then you've been through it. And then you're here. Yeah. To where you're on this. Like you said, you're happier than you've ever been.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:28
I'm, like, healthier than I've ever been. I regularly get mistaken as like a 20 year old, you know, 20 something year old, or people think that I am my I have a 20 year old boy. And when I'm like somewhere with him, people think I'm his girlfriend, and he cannot even have that. So I would even say I don't look the same.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:52
Yeah, no. I mean, you do not look remotely the same from me. You're still beautiful, but you were blonde.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:59
Yeah, I was. blonde and you know, there's a lot of love short, but there's so many different
Unknown Speaker 1:05:05
different things. Yeah. What would you What would you like to offer to people that are listening who maybe resonate with your story or their in their own process of, I actually want you to speak to the fear to the fear of I want to leave but I'm afraid of the myriad of things. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 1:05:27
So requires an intimacy with fair like, it's a real lovemaking
Unknown Speaker 1:05:36
with fear. I love that. But you need to explain more of what you need. Yeah, like, you've
Unknown Speaker 1:05:40
got to sit, you've got to be with it. You got to make love to the dark spaces and the shadow aspects of yourself and your character, you know, the things the things going on in your life that are showing you the things you're avoiding are now moving or distracting yourself from like, the, the, the lean away from fear, it's leaning into it and saying, All right, let's hear let's let's get naked together and share with one another. And I do that in a ceremonial, ceremonial way in a practice and meditation practice. That is some it's always been very difficult for me to explain, but my palm reading that I got yesterday, a little shout out to Ashley Adams.
Unknown Speaker 1:06:28
Is that
Unknown Speaker 1:06:31
now I got a bag.
Unknown Speaker 1:06:35
Um, what was I saying
Unknown Speaker 1:06:37
you're talking about is difficult to share your ceremonial process with Oh, yeah. And then actually, palm reading.
Unknown Speaker 1:06:44
Yeah, like that. My, my practice is of a pioneer quality like it doesn't currently exist. And I've never, you know, people will be like, is it Kundalini? Because there's Kundalini like influences or like, there's, you know, some people will talk to me about Kindred meditation, like different meditation techniques. And I'm like, I don't know what, what to call this, right. So the name of my company is the breathing CO and I love breathwork as a vehicle for meditative practices. And it is serves as like a pillar, but like, the kind of meditation practices I design, like, deal with your shit, they alchemize like what's up with you, they give you a way to be intimate with fear, and effective in building a loving relationship with fear.
Unknown Speaker 1:07:38
And I think that's beautiful. Oftentimes, we think that our thoughts and our emotions define who we are. And I've been, I've been grateful of my awareness. And so many of us that are out there now teaching that, hey, these emotions are more they're catalysts. There's tools to be able to go look to see what's underneath there. They're just
Unknown Speaker 1:07:57
feeling them, not the feelings themselves.
Unknown Speaker 1:07:59
Right. So what's underneath that? Yeah, do you get to look at? Yeah, so
Unknown Speaker 1:08:03
I design practices that do that. And so I take, I sit with people who allow me to vulnerably see them, and design practices that can help them be intimate with fear.
Unknown Speaker 1:08:19
And that's what you're talking about with that get naked with love with that? Is that intimate? Can you intimately go in and look at the shadow go look at the fear of right, what is stopping you?
Unknown Speaker 1:08:30
So it's just an infrastructure, though? It's the individual who does the actual work. It's, it's, that's what's so beautiful about it. And I love what I do, because it feels like reciprocity. Yeah. Right? Because I'm what I'm nourished by the witnessing of someone actually doing their work. Yeah, it's such an honor. It's so incredibly beautiful. And so yeah, that's what my, my work is both individually, like on myself and with myself and with anyone who asks me to hold space for them. Like I don't tell people No, generally. I will, at least not initially. Suppose I've
Unknown Speaker 1:09:10
said no, sometimes. Yes. Well, you you have very good boundaries. I'm sure you know, some. Yeah. So for people who are living and are leaning into that fear or resisting it, I think that that is a good, like, lean into it. Go.
Unknown Speaker 1:09:26
Yeah. And if you want to learn how or like one way, there's so many ways to do that, like I don't ever profess to be someone who claims to know the path. I'm not that kind of Guru. I'll never be that kind of Guru. That's actually what I don't like about the church. Right? Yeah. And so I don't subscribe to that model. I think I the one thing I know I believe in is a source of, of some kind, right? I experienced that as math. But um, sovereignty is like this thing that rounds me right. That's the my value like,
Unknown Speaker 1:10:03
how would you explain and define sovereignty to you? Well, ultimately,
Unknown Speaker 1:10:06
it's being able to access choice. I have this teaching as like one of the only teachings that I penned myself and like to the like, combination of words enough to be like, this is my name. I mean, I suppose if you have come along in the last few years, but it was one of the early ones, and it's liberation is not the absence of captivity, it's the awareness, you have a choice. And that sovereignty Yeah, 100, right. And so, in through the process of being intimate with fear, you gain sovereignty, that's what you get out of that experience. And from a place of sovereignty, you can set appropriate boundaries, and gain even more sovereignty.
Unknown Speaker 1:10:51
And one deep sovereignty from this place of what you're talking about, is really coming to awareness of who you really are. Yeah. And that,
Unknown Speaker 1:10:58
that's pews. That's where you just relax into, like, I'm gonna let life happen for me.
Unknown Speaker 1:11:06
And there's such a deep rootedness. And I think right now there's a little bit of a misnomer that's happening with the sovereignty word, yes, of people claiming or proclaiming that their sovereign beings usually are doing it from a mountaintop of shouting down, instead of our sovereign being and embodying it and moving through the world in that way, instead of needing the validation that I'm hoburne Yeah, so I think that there, I'm just going to speak to that, because that's something that I'm noticing that there's a little bit of a tweaking.
Unknown Speaker 1:11:37
I think to that I wrote about this on my Instagram today. We have in our queue into Mormon communities, we have a real social problem with comparison and assimilation. Yeah. And in so doing, it's, there's a lot of people who can attach them. So like, you know, when we talked about my dad, creating a lifestyle, just taking the infrastructure, it's that same thing as taking the infrastructure of looking a certain way, creating illusion that you can apply to spiritual practices, and your evolution. And that can raise your ceiling a little bit, but there's still a limitation on it. When often
Unknown Speaker 1:12:27
that happens, because that's feel safe, right? Yeah, that's where the senses. And so it's
Unknown Speaker 1:12:32
part of the process, and I agree with you on that it's a necessary step, to move through, because embodiment of sovereignty is not easy. It's very, very scary. It requires deeper and deeper levels of intimacy with fear.
Unknown Speaker 1:12:51
And I would offer for those of you who are listening again, that if you're leaning, if you're starting to feel a call to step away from religion, or you have stepped away, it is a call to more your soul self of what you're asking to really experience in this life. Yeah, that is sovereignty.
Unknown Speaker 1:13:06
Yeah. Yeah. And that's being one with source, right. Not separate. But yeah, body and organized religion conditions is to believe that we are separate. Yeah. It's why spirituality and religion struggle to meet each other.
Unknown Speaker 1:13:22
Yeah. Is there anything else you'd like to share? Before we wrap up?
Unknown Speaker 1:13:28
Just that, I think that a big part of telling my story, I've told my story a lot privately. In fact, I tell my story a lot with my clients, because storytelling is such a powerful kind of source of connection, right? But sharing it publicly Sure, is self serving to a degree but like, I understand that if I've figured out a way to suffer less in this human experience, and an awareness of how much we choose that and can show people another path, another story to consider that I have a responsibility there. And that that is out of love for the collective.
Unknown Speaker 1:14:21
I 100%. Agree.
Unknown Speaker 1:14:22
So to the listeners, I love you. Let's hang out, maybe meet me somewhere, slide into the DM
Unknown Speaker 1:14:33
and that leads me into you, especially right now, you mentioned that you have a lot of clients that are that you're coaching through physicians. Yeah. So what do you do? How can people find you?
Unknown Speaker 1:14:45
Yeah, so people will come to me and just want whatever this medicine is, right? It's very, very hard to articulate what it is for my clients or for me, there doesn't even seem then you're working on the soul level. Yeah, but people come to me With some ailment in their life, it could be in their physical body and their relationships and business. It could be in something they're trying to create or dies sort of a resistance or block. Yeah, yeah. And will, will help, I'll support them through processing that and build an infrastructure for them to test moving some of that energy with our own bodies, right. And so, so many of my clients right now, are struggling with religious stuff like an astronomical number. And I would say not even, I would say, all of my Mormon clients, or who have come from Mormon backgrounds are struggling in one capacity or another with the church right now. And about half of my clients come from that environment, whether they are still participating or not, is kind of fluctuating between the mom. So yeah, that people come and do that. I also teach classes like I have an upcoming class called breathwork as medicine where I just teach the science of why breath work is a vehicle, like, why is it that it even works to move energy? And how can you use it to do that, especially for people who, like me, can sit down and with ease, design an experience that actually has some potential to it? Right, I understand that in that way. I have a responsibility the collective because I can, it's fairly easy for me to do what you're here to do. Yeah. And so I teach that to those who think they can step into their own practice quite easily, and need the science and the breathwork techniques as a resource.
Unknown Speaker 1:16:50
So you teach that up in Canada,
Unknown Speaker 1:16:52
it kind of can be all over the place. The next one is in Park City, October 22 23rd, which I think is the same weekend. You have something
Unknown Speaker 1:16:59
Yeah, yeah, that's which is funny because Holly, the one who I co facilitate with she's also very big into the breath. Yeah, you guys need to get to know each other. I would love to get to know another breath worker. Um, so how do people on Instagram you have Instagram? Do you have a website
Unknown Speaker 1:17:16
so the breathing code calm and on Instagram, the breathing co
Unknown Speaker 1:17:20
super? Well, I just part of me is like, I just want to sit here and keep talking about your story. And again, thank you for being what being willing to share it you thank you for coming from such a heart, open space and having such a vulnerable story shared, shared with I don't love it's not it's love, but then also just such a healed state. Yeah. So thank you for doing what you're doing. Because now you're an example and out there helping other people with moving through there. Which, you know, the the whole saying that we're here, just here to guide people home. So try keep so true. But I keep hearing so thing
Unknown Speaker 1:17:58
Yeah, I thank you for holding that kind of space that is such an elegant container for these types of conversations.
Unknown Speaker 1:18:05
Thank you. I appreciate that. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you by sending you all so much love. This conversation, this story that Audrey shared was powerful. And I could have spent our this podcast on a little bit longer. And really, I could have spent another hour having this conversation with her and just diving into some of these pieces that she has experienced and that she has learned. And her story really is an inspiration to all of us have true surrender and true leaning into the unraveling, and the gifts that come from leaning in to the unraveling. So I was really honored and grateful to share space with her, and really the sacredness of where she's at and what she's experienced. So I hope you enjoyed this today. Again, share like and subscribe to the podcast and please leave me a five star review. The more we get these stories out there, the more beneficial that our stories have with other people in their transition. So many people are going through faith transition right now. And we really are here to assist each other and really are here to guide each other home. So if you feel inspired to please share and as always again, jump on my website Amanda Joy loveland.com to see what I have upcoming and you can find Audrey at the breathing co.com have such a beautiful day and remember you are not alone.
